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31, Male
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Extensive freelance classical and retro videogame music composer, hireable for projects. Will work for free if the project appeals.

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Level 16 Musician
Normal Whistle
Ranked as Civilian

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2014-09-19 17:02:11 by Calamaistr

Im still finishing Egeo but let me explain something to my followers, sorry for not sooner having done this.


This will be personal but short (my short, so long for you).


My life has not been anywhere near 'normal' or for some 'acceptable'.

Like many of us 'artists' i was a dreamer who grew up in a broken home, often bullied, often denied no matter how i acted, in the end i just had to take things..the wrong way, wether that escalation was the reason or not doesnt matter, i ended up in internats and the like, i had no schooltime, i had little family around me except in set weekends, the people i lived with there were my family and you couldnt pick them, some of my family physically abused me, some of my family was kind to me but all of my family i just simply lost at random intervals. You see i am the record holder of this particular internat admittee's in how long i stayed in the same group there, five years in a group of people that would just dissapear one by one, so i had to bury alot of my family, alot of my memories. And i did at another point in time with drugs, trying to wash out the only death i really couldnt take, my fathers.

After a very bad time i got off drugs and started working out, maybe i did it just to feel healthy again, maybe i too was wondering what it would be like to have a normal life with a girlfriend, maybe a kid, pets etc. And i knew i wouldnt ever get anywhere near anyone if i looked like a bloated junkie.

I worked out for years, walking, biking, swimming, lifting weights, sit ups stretches and push ups, what i ate changed, what i drank changed, and everything of it changed me from a bloated junkie to a athletic handsome young man, wich netted me a girlfriend pretty quickly after, however she played my head and i thought she was the one (i have that disease, to think of a girl as the one when she's with you, ohwell) but in reality she changed her love for me like a different set of shoes and gone she was, one week later i saw her with another guy hand in hand and i really fought myself right then and there not to bash them both through a window. Then began my personal dante's inferno.

I couldnt find myself anymore, the guy i was before i met her.. and i lost touch with my healthy life of walking biking swimming and fitness.. and started playing a online game that literally has burned my head. From all the frustration of that living shit of a "moba" that functions only to frustrate and bring you the feeling of powerlessness, inadequate and best of all "excommunicated from any and all purpose" i mustve pulled my jaw the wrong way in angry fits.

And am now the proud owner of TMJ disorder with a mountain of time put into hospital visits, hospital waits, hospital visits, hospital waits, hospital visits and lets not forget hospital exhaustion.

Not only do i suffer from this fantastic gift, i also have no money, no car, no job, no abillity other than making music that i feel moves through me and is not truly 'by me, so how am i to feel good about any future in wich i will have no wife, wich is the least of my worries, but also only more people to dissapear from me, and a world i do not understand or to be really honest do not want to understand, because its values are the exact opposite of mine, its technologies frighten me more than that they could ever help me with anything (unless a device is developed that can record the sound in your thoughts, or a device that can put your dreams on film) (yes i do this thing with ( ) alot) (get used to it im Calamaistr. Dont worry i probably will never be famous as i do not desire to be.

Now that i think of it perhaps thats more to be that i have no desires at all, well.. save the periodic ones. Or i need to rephrase that to that i do not have ambitions. I mean, what could i possibly build with money were it to land on my shoulders be i "discovered" and cave in to the will of the masses, making "popular" music' such as hans zimmer, danny elfman, tiesto, skrillex, and all these much much much copied individuals.

I would never leave a legacy of the BRAMMMM concept..

But i dont want to leave a legacy of money, i want to leave a legacy of music, and not for you all, but also for my future me's. Till the day the universe has written enough information and takes it back again i suppose, to go into the big map.

I mean, and i've always said this 'I make music for music.

Yeah i have thought about the possibility that me doing everything for free, quite literally most of the time since the last time i went to a theatre is 15 years ago, but i've been in the woods alot' is actually madness.

I once gave a friend of mine a free playstation 2. Just out of nowhere..

He's gone in another city now with a girlfriend for many years, he doesnt speak to me anymore.

I buy my mother stuff constantly in town, and dont think about me throwing around paper, i mean small things but still. Its courtesy perhaps, but im still deadly poor. I cant buy a car, not even a cheap one. Heck i cant even pay to get lessons, nor can i afford it mentally anymore because besides having TMJ i also am the winner of the grand prize of being a hodophobe.  That means i am afraid of travel, that includes intercountry travel, that includes even traveling anywhere near where i have no control over it thusfore; any distance greater to a distance i can cover on bicicle in about 3 hours. 

Hardly anyone knows this about me, i never really tell anyone, thats not because i dont talk to people, its because i dont know many people.

The reality of the great Calamaistr here is that he's also incapable of meeting new people because of the following reasons:  1: no school-network of people.  2: no job to meet people.  3: no clubs to meet people since i enjoy classical music and not anything that is too loud or too sexual, since i dont believe in dancing. (this might sound funny or like a joke but i mean it, i do not believe in dancing, i think music is to listen to and all dance is either moving in different walks or making sexual expressions)

That all does have its plusses tbh, since my talent requires absolute soltitude, silence, concentration, and time.

I also like nature photography actually, another thing that only works when you're alone.

I suppose the only social thing i do is play the guitar, but people look at me like im some beggar in the streets when i sit down and play. Most dont even look into my direction and yeah i know sandals arent fashionable but they feel so nice and are made of leather, wich is something i think has really nice character.

I even sat down at a bench in town just a few days ago to be given 15cnts by two 13-14 year oldish girls out of the blue, i had not played a single tune yet, had not even sat down yet.

I cant put together all the detail of my life and how i feel now, a feeling of having no future in this world, not for the world and not for me...except for music perhaps, but in the end thats also for me because i want my music to fly, when its finished. Its just a scary thought there will be a time in our existence that we will never hear that music again, unless we all meet at some zero point, like i glorified in my 0Exestesis album. (zero exegesis to be exact, it means zeropoint script, the end of the cosmos in or outside the concept of time)

I put little boxes in my music alot. To throw out something to find, maybe it never will be found.

I just like to do it.. Im not saying wich but i've drawn my name in a few tracks of wich one is in a game. But also like to carve riddles in the fairytales i write, and sometimes a fairytale (giving one away: The nightmare of lighter darker) is a giant front for something entirely different.

The whole fairytale seems to be a alice and wonderland world, in the end its revealed to be about a girl who was kidnapped and wakes up when her kidnapper commits suicide as the police cars stand outside. She was playing with two dolls and those guided her in the dream, the concluding scene make her run back for the dolls to bring them with her in her parents car after shes rescued, this was to illustray that people pick up and take what happens to them with them. But the character of the kidnapper i had never revealed by text. In the fairytale he is Omnious, the witch that has trapped both a boy and his brother into the form of a lighter and a darker form. If you pay attention to exactly the things that are said by darker, you will realise that he is the exact opposite of lighter that instead of being helpful to get freed, he begs the girl to stay with omnious because he's a "lonely man". In the end it comes down to that both lighter and darker are omnious, and omnious is the kidnapper's dream version. That means she will take omnious with her in the car, her kidnapper will be with her, exactly as he wanted, just in a paralel. It is both a scoffing and tribute to the concept of lonelyness, how people snap and start to go past certain thought structures, some would call it go mad. In The nightmare of lighter darker i made a mad man become part of a innocent child, literally by clashing them together in a story that thus validates itself. So the story only exists because its being held up by the concept of how the actions of madness procreate.

I wont deny there are very elaborate thoughts in every single one of my main soundtracked stories.

Funny how ive been busy for half an hour about music again while i wanted to explain you people why i feel the way i feel.

Im disconnected to the present, thats the problem.

In body and in mind. I make stories, i make puzzles, and i join puzzlepieces together. That is my talent, in all fields.

Thats not very helpful in a world that doesnt require any engineering to...slowly murder itself lately.

I dont follow the news but thats not helping being happy about the future either, i just know alot.

All in all, in oversight i am not happy and understand i never will be. And that keeps me from having energy.. alot, and that keeps me from doing something, anything with my life. Because i am completely living in overtime.

The only thing that i can think of is guilt, how much guilt i have, how much guilt i must have to have been punished with my afflictions, all of them.

And i keep thinking about things that might have given that guilt, things i have done wrong as a kid that would make me deserve hundreds more afflictions, and to look up at the sky and say it could not have me yet, denied it that pleasure by working my ass off literally to get back into shape.. just to lose it by universal judgement in the form of chance.

Thats why i cannot work as a composer anymore.

Thats why i am very, very tired as a human, very exhausted.

I sleep 10 hours a night, sometimes 12. I cannot walk very well because of muscle relaxants and pain killers, there is no hope in this world for me. Do not try to advice me what to do or who to call, ive been everywhere that had the tools.

I can never ask for people to be thankful for me, but me is all i know.. and know well enough to say that im good at something, just not at the things that are particularly useful to this age.


Ill try to finish Egeo, i really will. But im not sure of how long ill walk around here still because there is much uncertainty about my health in me every day.

funfact: this topic could have been 5000 times longer if i were to include everything ive been through in my life, and i wouldnt mind to but i also know that people would not bother to read it, wich is also fine.



Recent Game Medals

High Demon LEET 25 Points Beat the game. Medal Stats.
Medal/25 5 Points Check out JohnnyUtah's page. Medal Stats.
Medal/23 5 Points Check out Sexual-Lobster's page. Medal Stats.
Medal/24 5 Points Check out RicePirate's page. Medal Stats.
Medal #8 5 Points Check out! Medal Stats.
Medal _19 5 Points FOREVER ALONE! Medal Stats.
Medal/21 10 Points Eat a pork chop! Medal Stats.
Medal _15 10 Points It takes a lick'n... Medal Stats.
Medal #2 5 Points Reach level 2. Medal Stats.
Medal _16 10 Points ...and keeps on whip'n. Medal Stats.

Total Medals Earned: 377 (From 18 different games.)