Calamaistr 2011-07-24 17:37:33

thanks for the decency, i dont like to jump to conclusions myself but its just almost obvious with this, im trying to keep appart wich is generic and wich is not here (as in generic being zerobombing happens to everyone and is so known on ng that its even irritating to see but a single topic about it a day)

Im a good analyser and admit i sometimes should stay more calm in explaining things, on the other hand im easily wounded verbally, i just' cant take it when theres injustice, demonization, negative suggestive etc.

Yea i bet thats like candy for trolls, but you know what it really is, im being genuine no matter where i am, wether its real life or the internet and thats exactly what trolls are looking for and i know that, they take fun in being fake and attempting psychological harm upon genuine people because genuine people are opened up the most.

Not trying to sound like an emo here, cause im not (even tho i cry when i watch movies atleast once a year ) but ..

its just theres real people who have values and are kind, lets just put it like that, thats the genuinity im speaking of, and it would be normal to be that way.

When that is slapped back into my face a bit to much a day, i turn from kind into sarcastic and from sarcastic into cynical. Thats pretty much it.

Again, thanks for being well spoken and decent in your post here, when i saw '4 replies' i was already preparing my mind for 4 messages saying "Lol y u mad' and 'your music are suck' etc.

-cal.

Calamaistr 2011-07-24 17:52:52

That pretty much means not posting on forums ever again because im a antagonism magnet? (not attacking you here, you're right not everyone will treat others with respect and manners, but should we just settle with that?)

I'd like to just be able to post on forums without emediately 20 people saying i should leave ng and i have the biggest ego and not liking hans zimmer means i think im better than hans zimmer, knowing contrapunt and other intermediate sections of classical music makes me an elitist snob and everytime i respond negatively in the slightest i am whining/crying/bitching/trolling/
am a despicable human being (the latter was actually said to me on these forums)

That pretty much sums it up -_-

-cal.

p.s. thanks aswell for being mature.

Calamaistr 2011-07-24 19:04:00

I do want to prove people wrong (in a positive way ofcourse)
I dont know how i can stop myself from being provoked ..so easily, because its part of who i am, everyone has an ego (not to be mistaken with being full of oneself but in the literal sense of the word), and mine is just set on not taking any 'shit'.

Its comparable with when you're an admin, or a moderator, im sure you guys have been one in the past, i have been an admin on some servers (Mirc, several game servers of the mmorpg ultima online, some forums etc) and when people talk to you like you're some 'old woman in their way', as in a demeaning way of being talked to then you feel attacked in the least, as a admin and mod you have the tools to counter that by giving a person like that a week vacation, but when youre not people can pick on you all they want.

Im a up in your face kind of guy in the real world, with that i mean im good to other people cause i dont want to cause them trouble and dont feel like having a negative situation for myself either, i like my quiet and my rest. (i tend to walk in the forest alot for this, to stay calm as much as i can cause i cant handle tension at all, really, its my biggest weakness)

So i talk to people up close, everywhere i meet people i talk with them, i keep things nice. So theres a major contrast when youre on a forum and meet people who act like they are a robot from space with super lasers on their shoulders and walk around through town with noone able to do anything, shooting the place up. its a completely different world i dont easily adjust to, and i dont want to harden my mind, i dont want to get used to it.

Hell i even purposely refuse to watch the news or read newspapers irl because i dont want anything to do with negativity its that much of a deal to me.

-

On the other hand i can be a bit of a provoker i know that, the way i want to be isnt always the way i am on forums myself because of that strong feeling of wanting to keep things honest and kind, the moment people step over boundaries and try to make me look like something im not, i take it as if it would be in the flesh and that person standing right in front of me. I have had a life of a LOT of injustice, my whole childhood is stringed together made out of this, and not like how every teenager says 'my life sucks'

No i have lived my whole life in institutions (not mental lol, i mean for children that cant live at home anymore) due to things that werent on my hands, ive been mistreated, threatened, assaulted and discarded all my life almost on constant basis, living in fear, having to fight back and harden myself as if i were a warchild (and at times i was cause people were going for my throat in a fair amount of occasions), I couldnt function in a normal job, girlfriends and friends alike backstabbed me, i lost literally all my family due to death except for my mother and younger brother so theres nothing left of who i was on what i have been brought up with.

So i very well know my true persona is a mix up of hurt.

And still i try to be good and kind and do something fruitful through music.

Its not really an option to change the way i am, even my mind goes eh, i forget things all the time, im rather impulsive too, and that adds to the problem from my side of the 'conflict.

I couldnt even remember typing the topic in wich i laughed at people being 'jealous of my music' it mustve been typed after i was provoked obviously cause it seems directed to whoever zerobombed me at that time.

I think it also has to do with that i live in the moment nowadays, im from the 80s and cant handle these times very well personally, the lack of real social come together, the lack of physical contact. Everything is electronic and cold. This isnt my world and alot of my music has that message, in many ways.

So as i live in the moment it may seem i have two personalitys sometimes wich is a bad trait, the one moment i feel good and mean well, then im provoked because someone attacks me personally with some made up version of who i am (the despicable human being who has a giant ego and thinks his music is the best music in the universe and he should be on no.1 every week) (like i ever wanted to be in the top 50 to begin with, idc about that i think ive proven that already with the whole book i just typed above) and i shoot into the mission to defend myself, and thats it, thats the magnet part.

I know it very well now that that is what happens, i think i needed to be reminded of that so thanks for making me reflect upon myself.

Some would say just let go of the need to defend yourself, dont know if i can.
You could say who cares wether you defend yourself or not, maybe noone cares but maybe id like people to care because i come from a time where people cared.

-cal.

Calamaistr 2011-07-24 22:05:57

Ill read the wiki, but eh, is that mail of yours available on msn aswell? Im not much of a mailer more of a talker.

Calamaistr 2011-07-25 02:29:56

I wasnt upset by you, when someone talks to me in a normal tone like i said im very understanding and i can much better reflect.

Calamaistr 2011-07-25 03:17:47

Ive read the wiki link whole, and i must say i recognice everything. I havent told everything (would be to much to tell, especially on a forum) about what ive gone through but in short i could say i have had to literally build up a new me after a certain period, and with no lifeline (the world i had around me when i was raised) to take me by the hand i had to do it from scratch, alone, with as only little help old pictures and one or two videotapes from the early 90s.. just to remember who i was then, and alongside of that the recreate myself.

So i know all about personality, or persona, identity. I know what it consists of.
It is made by social and enviromental impressions, values and morals given to a child, snap that in half at one point and kill your own mind and have nothing to reflect on since and thats a real hole.

Currently ive already been around a bit making new friends and im very picky at who i allow that close, i dont make friends with the generic public who only speak about what was on tv for instance, ill talk with them in town to create a positivity for all but thats about it. Its all about being able to relate and find common interest and my interest simply isnt there, ive listened to stories of the past from old people, ive captured a smile here and there from a child but those are everyday tranquillitys, and frankly sometimes i feel like im a ghost wading through this other life of theirs, for a long time i felt like im a walking corpse, a thought of the past still alive in a time not his.

I know its the lack of being around people that mind the same things i do, that value creativity, artistry, expertise as their goals in life. A bohemian kind of being. If i cannot be amazed by someone, i cannot be interested in them.

This is a critical thought that has its fingers all around my social life including the lack of a lovelife.

I dont go to clubs, i really cant take small rooms with loud noise very well, last time i tried i had to get out of there within 15 minutes, everywhere people drinking plastic cups of cheap beer, the sound of the bass tones tremored through my chest and i was starting to feel sick because of it. (this was a cover concert of pink floyd, go figure, i like pink floyd music)

The time before it was a political afterparty at a nightclub, my mother was in that political party at the time and i was like ok ill join. Mistake ofcourse.
It was a very small room, in the corner by the door were a bunch of troublemakers acting like outright monkeys, completely drunk screaming and being overly aggressive. I was just making some pictures of the politicians and my mother etc, on the left of me were drunk young girls looking like they had been thrown out of a moving train. There was a misty haze of sigarettesmoke everywhere and people laughed and talked excessively loud right in front of me.
Already i felt like i was pressed against the wall mentally, i told my mother that i was getting stressed and i may not stay long, then the music was turned louder and it was this commercial kind of pop trance, extremely loud. (like standing in front of a real concert tower of boxes) for such a small room.

I gave my mother my camera so she could continue photographing and i walked straight outside, completely disoriented.

So thats a bit of why i dont go to clubs for instance, and you could say miss out on a part of social activity (for as much as you can get that from people who have to be drunk to be amongst eachother) Tbh i dont even smoke or drink to begin with, i have once ofcourse, and it was a concious choise to quit.

But my psychology is one thing, im handicapped by a whole lot of things that i recognice in that link, about how the world seems wrong and hypocritical, this can be taken as thinking youre better than the rest but its not, its like the link says aswell a very concious way of looking at the world, analysing everything and chosing in accordance with 'is it healthy, true and or is it who i am' This creates alot of conflict with the world of now, the club example was but one thing.

I have it with mobile phones and other modern electronic devices, foods, politics, liqor and smoking, etc.

To most this seems just like preference but i can call myself educated about every single subject (wich to some will ofcourse sound like being full of myself again wich im fully aware of, but it just is what it is with no hidden reasons)
I dont just take a side, i am a need to know kind of ..personality. I never take an important choice based on the tag on the box, like people do with football clubs or 'do i like strawberry or peach jelly' I want to know what its made of, why its made of it and what those components do.

Yea, i recognice myself alot in your link. So thanks for that im glad to read that this is wider-ly known than i thought, i never thought i was 'the only one' or anything, you hear that alot but i always knew theres plenty of people who have 1: a mind of their own, developing themselves individually. 2: struggle against the current of the mass and media, it being a whole other world that is assymilating and doctrinating once you start swimming along. 3: have the will and talent to be so much more than that, and it is these kind of people that can make a difference because the determination is there.

Ill keep it at that for now, i think i typed over 2000 characters already.
-cal.